“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.” ~ Homer
As those of you who know me IRL are well aware, I have a tendency to talk… a lot.
It’s not that I don’t hear myself doing it, but rather that I start down a slippery slope and have an inability to stop — it took me decades to understand why.
As a child, I had trouble communicating with my classmates, my friends, and my family. I became frustrated that, while people could hear me, they never seemed to understand me. I would talk endlessly, trying to retranslate the same idea thinking, “if only I explain it more they might be able to grasp what I’m trying to say.”
By the time I learned more effective communication this had become a strong habit. The path in my brain was so worn that, even knowing it consciously, I continually found myself being sucked into these old patterns of insecurity-based rambling.
A few months ago I was down at the Santa Monica Pier for a spectacular summer concert series. I had gone with my friends and close neighbors, but planned to meet up with an particularly cute, button nosed, blonde I’d met on Tinder.
The concert was almost over before she bridged the three hour gap since her last response and asked where she could find me. Annoyed, but excited I tried to flag her down in the sea of people spread across the beach with nothing but moonlight.
Now a group of three couples, we packed up our stuff and made our way to the boardwalk for a bite to eat. At this point I was feeling pretty confident. I had made a few witty remarks, garnered some laughs, and was stacking up some solid social proof to make the case for a fourth date… not that I was overthinking or anything.
While we waited for our food I happened to make a comment. I can’t for the life of me remember what it was, but the group fell silent. It wasn’t bad — it was just so unfunny and poorly conceived that it exposed just how hard I was trying to be liked and it completely shattered the natural, jovial nature of the group’s conversation.
Seconds of silence seemed like an eternity. My friend Dave looked right in my eyes and asked in the most serious of tones, “how often are you funny?”
I glanced away for a moment of contemplation before turning back with a shrug of my shoulders to answer, “about 60% of the time.” Responded in an earnest tone Dave replied, “that’s a pretty good ratio” as he nodded with approval.
Silently listening this whole time, the group immediately erupted with laughter.
I walked away from the evening with a less than enthusiastic kiss (different story for another email), but the thing that really stuck with me was the interaction between me and Dave. If I was only funny 60% of the time… I was wasting my breath 40% of the time. I pondered the thought for a few days before realizing that if I just talked slightly less — I would in a sense be funnier, wittier, smarter, etc.
This brought to mind some advice I discovered on Twitter back in 2009. I was lured into an article with the bold promise something to the regard of ‘The Secret Strategy For Increasing Your Social Engagement By 700%‘. I paused thinking, “that’s a big promise… but an oddly specific number” and clicked to read more.
It was a short article that communicated one thing:
“Before posting any tweet, rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. If it’s below a 7 — delete it.”
Instantly I understood the “700% Improvement” and was taken aback by how simple, yet powerful, this concept was. By the time of my interaction with Dave, I had been using this guideline in every conceivable element of social media for six years.
I started an experiment — say less, but communicate more.
The same thing that happened in my Twitter feed happened in conversations, my quality ratio spiked dramatically and I began to have more powerful communication.
While I still find myself falling into old patterns due to fatigue, frustration, or pure nervousness — I am constantly evaluating myself and looking for the opportunity to be better than I was able to be yesterday. Sometimes that means focusing my energy to contribute more… and sometimes it means pulling back to let others shine.
I was inspired to share this story today when, after a fantastically communicative conversation with a colleague, I had a decaf espresso to counter my yawning, and jumped on a phone call with someone new. Hanging up nearly 75 minutes after the beginning of the 15 minute call I paused and saw the dramatic contrast.
I took a breath, acknowledged the lesson, and moved on free of stress.
Your communication will never be perfect, but it can be better than it was yesterday. Taking moments to reflect and evaluate helps you to see this in the moment or even before it happens. For me, this can mean knowing what will situations trigger my anxiety and countering it in advance with meditation… or tequila.
Do you find yourself consistently fumbling over the same hurdle? Tell me about it.