051: Invest In Conversation

Your fucks are currency and should be invested strategically… not like this.

Yesterday was a weird day. I received three cold emails, Facebook messages from four friends acquaintances I hadn’t talked to in months, and an odd engagement with a potential client. Each of these had a common thread that created some angst.

People were pulling value without offering value in return.

As I wrote in my journal last night, the F of my ENFJ was not pleased. These energy sucks can take many forms, but there were two interactions that really stood out.

If you’re looking to win friends, these mistakes are easy to avoid.

The first was a Facebook message from a friend of a friend who’d connected with me when we met months back. When we connected, he spent the entire night (politely) asking me questions. The conversation was extremely one sided and resulted in me leaving the bar full of friends to opt for a restful night’s sleep. To his credit, he followed up on Facebook the following day with a kind and appreciative message.

A month later, I connected him with a friend who runs a publishing company in the cannabis niche that was looking for writers. The introduction resulted in contract work for which he expressed great appreciation. Gratitude is the first form of value.

Yesterday, about a month after that introduction, he sent me this:

Let’s break this down piece by piece:

• the message sent twice, a sign of hastiness (and bulk messaging)
• the “check out…” language lacked relevancy and was low energy
• poor formatting and grammar further illustrated low investment
• starting “I put…” shows that his focus is on his interests, not mine
• saying (not asking) “hope you can share” highlights the lack of value

There was zero investment in the conversation, my interests were not addressed, and it was quite clearly highlighted that this was “all about him.” While the project he shared was of interest to me… this presentation turned me off completely.

The “value” you give doesn’t need to be money or tangible support, it starts with something as simple as respecting the other person’s time enough to (briefly) add relevancy to their interests. Everyone asks “what’s in it for me?” Tell them clearly.

Side note, I interviewed someone on the Ghost Influence Podcast yesterday who posted to Reddit saying, “I’m looking for a filmmaker to join me, I can’t pay you and we’ll probably sleep most nights in the car, but it will be an adventure.” Ten people were interested and one spent two months and 13,000 miles with him… for free.

If you can’t be valuable, at least be honest.

You’d think this story was over, but it’s not. When I asked a question he responded “have you visited the page?” Having spent a few minutes on it already, I responded:

To which he snapped this lovely retort:

 

Isn’t it funny how the people who bring the least value are the first ones to call your “friendship” into question when you don’t do exactly what they want? Needing some space, I shut my computer without responding and headed home from the cafe. When I re-opened the conversation after lunch, I was greeted with another reply highlighting his lack of investment through poorly formatted text:

While I don’t think anyone here would be so idiotically flippant to call someone you’re asking for help “pompous”… the dismissive “hats off” comment dismissing friendly feedback (which he had asked for) was far more insulting. Needless to say, he was unfriended and ignored with as little fucks as he’d invested in the conversation.

• if you ask someone for feedback, appreciate it… even if you don’t take it
• specific responses (like body language) show that you are listening
• if someone doesn’t respond right away, it might mean they’re busy

The second example I’ll make is about someone reading this email right now. I’m making the example because, when I challenged him, he made a radical correction:

Granted by the time I received this I was already a bit perturbed, but the single line email showed a similar lack of respect for my time. This is not to say “special respect for an influencer who has a massive audience” (which I don’t), but rather respect for another human. Besides, how could I know where he’d fit in on a project when I knew nothing about him, his skills, his interests, etc.? Context is everything. Avoiding assumptions, I matched his investment and responded with:

His response to this email was radically different. He was appreciative, forthcoming with information, and expressed disinterest in how his skills were currently being applied — he was human. While his initial 44 character email displayed a significant lack of investment, he self corrected and we began having a real conversation.

• don’t allow your lack of investment to cause a break in energy
• show you’ve taken the time, but don’t overwhelm — find balance
• see things from their perspective to measure what context is needed

I’ve been receiving emails from you all for two months, I know you know how to be human so I’m curious to hear what you think of this digestion.

Are there particular ways your find yourself struggling to see someone’s perspective?